I need to get this off my chest

I have a burning desire to cross-dress to please men that are into that. i never ever discussed this anyone. It’s my deepest secret.

There could be many explanations why I would like to cross-dress: the ideal type of men for me is the straight-ish type who once in a while wants a gay men to be his woman; when I was sexually abused by my cousins and a neighbour during my childhood and early teens they didn’t do it because they liked me or liked boys. They did it because they were desperate for sex and I was an easy target when girls weren’t available. Given the circumstances at the time I am well aware that when they were with me they imagined I was a girl. So now I have a strong desire to re-create those moments, despite all the horror I experienced at the time.

I could also mention that I am a sex addict. I don’t think I ever look at any men without thinking what it would be like to have sex with him, and the consequences of this in the past have been disastrous.

I currently have an obsession for a guy who is unavailable, and it’s killing me. I’ve taken all the steps to prevent any opportunity to ever see him again, and every day since I last saw him almost a year ago I die a little bit inside when I think he probably has no desire to contact me. So perhaps the desire to cross-dress is my mind looking for something to replace this obsession.

I am jealous of women, because they can give men what I can’t. The thought of John (my obsession, that’s not his real name) desiring a woman makes me sick, makes me hate them and hate myself even more because I will never be them.  

I know that all the reasons listed above are linked to each other and there is a much deeper explanation behind all of them. But instead of trying to rationalise them I just want to express how much pain these thoughts are causing me today.

Every day I catch myself fantasising about John. We were good friends, we were close, we both attended SLAA, that’s how we met. But when I thought I was in control I suddenly realised that I was on my knees again, which is the thing SLAA was supposed prevent. But I was complacent about my recovery, I thought I knew best. I had to quit SLAA. I needed a clear break from John.

Every day I ask myself how it is possible that I have had all the facts presented to me (he is not into me, he is straight), but deep inside there is this resistance in my head which tells me that those facts are not true, that he is in fact into me and one day, one day he will say how much he loves me. Every single day before I go to bed I bed my Higher Power to help me get through this and show me how to make a clear distinction between my fantasies and reality, because at the moment I feel there are no boundaries in between.

The only thing that I am certain of is that this will pass, even if it means that my obsession will occupy itself with another unavailable man, and I am craving for the break in-between. My feelings for John will pass just like each breath and each step I take, just like all the obsessions I’ve had in the past.

I’ve never cross-dressed, and part of me is telling me that it would just be something to experience. But I know very well that I don’t just do experiences, I get addicted to things easily, and I know it will take me to very dark places, even beyond the ones I’ve been before. The fact that the thought of it makes my heart pound is all the information I need to conclude I shouldn’t do this.

I thought today that I could go back to SLAA, but I am not ready. I have the amazing support of NA and my NA sponsor, plus I have a stable job and the love of my family. I need to work on the things that will make me comfortable in my own skin, without having to wear a mask to attract people that would not be attracted to me otherwise. Or maybe I am just too lost to make sense of what is reasonable and what I should be grateful for.

Despite having to quit SLAA, I still have faith in it, it was there that I had the biggest connection with my Higher Power, and for the first time I felt that I didn’t need to turn into someone else to be happy. Those feelings have long gone, it’s just unfortunate that currently I see John and SLAA as one entity that caused me so much pain. But this too shall pass.

Trying to end this madness again

I did it. I dressed as a cross-dresser, took some photos and posted on a casual sex app. I had too many responses, it was overwhelming, so much that I removed the profile. There was a mix of fear and not being comfortable with it.

A few days later I went back on the app, as a gay male, some pictures as a cross-dresser, but most pics as a gay man. Didn’t have as many responses, met one guy, which was good. Other opportunities to meet came up but just before I had second thoughts. The amount of time and effort that this takes, and the anxiety it brings, for nothing, absolutely nothing. I never get what I want in the end. I want to be worshiped, I want men begging to have sex with me.

But tonight I came to the conclusion again that the majority of my effort goes to trying to change myself so that I am enough to attract these men, whilst they have to do nothing to attract me because I am there like a hungry dog waiting for left overs.

It takes attention away from what really matters, and it makes me love myself less, because the original me never satisfies anyone. What am I going to do with my obsession with men? I don’t know. But tonight I concluded that the first step is to delete the casual sex app again, because I am just continuing with that old pattern of telling myself that I am not enough and therefore and need to do this and that to please people.

I have everything I dreamed off in my life. I good home, an amazing career, I have the things that I want to learn about within my reach.

I am tired of constantly degrading myself. I can feel that this is not too far from getting out of control, and it won’t be long before I am having a line.

I need to go back to the basics of recovery.

I have until the end of my life to keep trying

I want to write. There are a lot of thoughts in my head that I would like to express, and I feel like that until I express them my head won’t shut up. There are days when it can be overwhelming.

Yet, despite all the ideas and thoughts that come up in my head several times a day, when I sit down to start writing the question that immediately comes to me is what am I going to write about? What is my purpose? Is it not going to be just a waste of time?

In the past when I tried to write a blog I’d spend ages trying to write something witty and impressive, with a lot of detail. The final product would be this enormous essay describing a certain event in detail with an attempt to make people feel sorry for me whilst thinking that I am amazing and that going forward they will read everything I write.

The other day I was thinking that the reason my thoughts won’t shut up is because I hardly speak to anyone, hence I hardly get the chance to express my thoughts, opinions and ideas. When I tried to write previously about myself I was very careful to not come across as a lonely person because I was ashamed of it. But now I am ready to admit, I am a loner. I have no friends. There are some people in my life, which I can probably count using only the fingers of one hand, but none of them contact me regularly to ask how I am, whether I want to go out, go on holidays together, or maybe just to catch up on some good gossip.

I had a small number of friends in school when I was a child, now I have none and I am jealous of that child. But I am doing my very best to not feel sad about it, and I am definitely not going to start writing about how unfair the universe has been with me and nobody likes me. I am here to share my experience in every aspect of my life, to share my thoughts, opinions, and to maybe connect with like-minded people and maybe even make friends. But most of all, my life used to be hell, and I want people who have gone through what I have to learn that there is always a way out.

I have only just been diagnosed with ADHD, and when I next see my psychiatrist he will assess me for autism spectrum disorder. I am also a recovering drug and sex addict as well as a love addict, which is the thing that really kills me inside. There is also complex PTSD and severe anxiety disorder, which has actually improved recently. Despite all that, I had a reasonable education and managed to build a professional career. I have a good job, a good income, I am very fit (compulsive exercise is another thing for me) and some think I am good looking. My self-esteem is shattered on the floor but I am determined to pick up the pieces, and I plan do this by letting things out. I already feel better